Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
