I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize