This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
