I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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