oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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