I'm so fucking centered right now
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
