where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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