This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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