Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
