im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
