Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
