I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
