Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
