that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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