May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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