he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
