Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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