are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
