I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
