i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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