is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We smell like vodka and hangover
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