We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
