Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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