I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
