sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
