Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
