Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
