My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
