Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize