Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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