Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
