So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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