Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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