He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
