Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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