i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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