i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
