If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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