Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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