Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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