shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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