Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We should reintroduce naked Mondays

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(631): View more from New York

she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly

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(863): View more from Florida

hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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(+08): View more from

He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b

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