meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
