Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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