Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
