I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
