apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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