ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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