so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize