the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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