He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
