nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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