Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
