Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
