yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
