Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
