I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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