so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
