You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
