You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
