my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
