nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
