All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
