Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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