I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
